40 to 50 years back, the word ‘divorce’ was probably unheard of among Africans,  it was probably considered a taboo in Nigeria. But it appears the sanctity of the sacred and respected institution of marriage is getting corrupted. The phrase ‘for better, for worse…till death do us part’ is seldom recited as part of marital vows. Some omit this in their vows for religious reasons; refusing to sign up for death in their union, while others leave some room for unbearable ugly eventualities of marriage.

The setbacks experienced in the institution of marriage and the increasing tendency of young couples to seek divorce have been connected to common trivial experiences that hitherto occur in our everyday interactions with people. Commonly, people cite too much arguments, lack of equality in the marriage relationship, marrying for the wrong reasons, losing individual identity, overwhelming parental duties, not sharing same success vision, nonexistent sex life, differences in handling finances, lack of display of physical affection, divided interests, fights etc  as factors leading to divorce and separation. Interestingly, a poll of 100 young Tango experts did not identify sexual infidelity as the leading cause of divorce.

If all or most of these factors show up in our everyday relationships and we find a way to cope with them, accommodating those involved, why is it much more difficult to do same in a marriage relationship? The following are my thoughts;

1. Lack of clarity on individual roles and responsibility in a marriage union
2. Unmet/unrealistic expectations
3. Intolerance
4. Lack of ‘the fear of the Lord’
5. Poor communication

Christian based marriages are structured such that the man has the role to provide for his home and love his wife and children while the woman is expected to submit to the man as the head of the home. Unfortunately, a lot of people either don’t have clarity on what their roles in marriage should be, or they are struggling with accepting them for one reason or the other. I doubt that your peculiar circumstances ever change this rule. If this rule is nonexistent in your marriage, am afraid it would hit the rocks in no time.

And based on these roles, people develop expectations. Every difficult marriage is suffering from people’s misconception about what marriage should be. Assumptions are made about marriage based on many variables, and problems erupt when these assumptions are not met. But isn’t it unfair to expect to be treated right when you don’t act right?  Don’t get me wrong now; I recognize that 2 wrongs don’t make a right and that people grow at different rates, but if everyone is focused on doing what is right, divorces would reduce. And that’s where the fear of the Lord comes in to take our focus off the inadequacies of our spouse. A deep reverence for God helps us choose to do what is right, just and fair no matter how we are being treated. Notice that this is a decision we make. To think that divorce results from one person’s weakness, shortcomings or wrong doing is a bit exaggerating! It always takes 2 to fight (selah).

I believe that the marriage union builds us up as individuals. We learn to be more tolerant, patient, loving, forgiving, etc. The truth is that most people are not ready for the demands of marriage and divorce offers a door of escape. Divorce therefore, sort of robs us of our individual growth.

Did I hear you say, Grace, you don’t know what you are talking about? Yeah right, Jesus got a similar reaction some years ago. Hear him……

“Not everyone is mature enough to live a married life. It requires a certain aptitude and grace. Marriage isn’t for everyone. Some from birth seemingly, never give marriage a thought. Others never get asked-or accepted. And some decide not to get married for kingdom reasons. But if you’re capable of growing into the largeness of marriage, do it” Matthew 19: 11-12.

“I hate divorce”, says the God of Israel. God-of-the Angel-Armies says “I hate the violent dismembering of the ‘one flesh’ of marriage”. So watch yourselves. Don’t let your guard down. Don’t cheat.    Malachi 2:16

Jesus recognizes that the marriage union can be demanding; on your faith, your patience……your entire being. He is not expecting everyone to be married! (selah), but if you marry, he is not expecting you to get out of it…except in cases of sexual infidelity. But even that can be forgiven!

Jesus said “Moses provided for divorce as a concession to your hard heartedness, but it is not part of God’s original plan. I’m holding you to the original plan, and holding you liable for adultery if you divorce your faithful wife and then marry someone else. I make an exception in cases where the spouse has committed adultery”. Matthew 19: 8-9.

“…..And if you are married, stay married. This is the Master’s command, not mine…….”

1 Corinthians 7:10-11

As we read through 1 Corinthians 7, we find that Jesus is not pleased at all with divorce, no matter how legal it seems. According to Jesus, Christians are covering their selfishness, whims and pretenses under the legality of divorce. He is saying; go work on yourself! Learn to be more accommodating. Improve yourself.

Now, some people already made wrong choices based on misplaced priorities; by marrying people they shouldn’t be married to in the first place.  If your life is threatened presently in your marriage, walking away may be wisdom (selah). But first seek counsel.

Healthy marriages are good for mental and physical well-being, and children who grow up in happy homes are less exposed to mental, physical, educational and social problems.

Marriage is a lot of work. The belief in a happily-ever-after marriage is a destructive marriage myth.

I passed this article to my team of editors, and one of them said, ‘Grace, this thing does not apply in turbulent marriages’. And I said to her; ‘every marriage can be as turbulent as you allow it’.

The earlier we nip trivial issues in the bud, the sooner we carry on enjoying our relationship. When we allow them to linger, they can get so complicated in no time that we even forget how it all started!

Let’s start by making a decision to stay cleaved then you’ll find faith and strength to never leave.

We see that with God, actually, divorce is not an option to staying married. God would want us to remain married except in very extreme circumstances (and I add this bit 🙂  ).

 

Except otherwise stated, Bible quotations are from ‘The Message’ Translation.