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40 to 50 years back, the word ‘divorce’ was probably unheard of among Africans, it was probably considered a taboo in Nigeria. But it appears the sanctity of the sacred and respected institution of marriage is getting corrupted. The phrase ‘for better, for worse…till death do us part’ is seldom recited as part of marital vows. Some omit this in their vows for religious reasons; refusing to sign up for death in their union, while others leave some room for unbearable ugly eventualities of marriage.
The setbacks experienced in the institution of marriage and the increasing tendency of young couples to seek divorce have been connected to common trivial experiences that hitherto occur in our everyday interactions with people. Commonly, people cite too much arguments, lack of equality in the marriage relationship, marrying for the wrong reasons, losing individual identity, overwhelming parental duties, not sharing same success vision, nonexistent sex life, differences in handling finances, lack of display of physical affection, divided interests, fights etc as factors leading to divorce and separation. Interestingly, a poll of 100 young Tango experts did not identify sexual infidelity as the leading cause of divorce.
If all or most of these factors show up in our everyday relationships and we find a way to cope with them, accommodating those involved, why is it much more difficult to do same in a marriage relationship? The following are my thoughts;
Christian based marriages are structured such that the man has the role to provide for his home and love his wife and children while the woman is expected to submit to the man as the head of the home. Unfortunately, a lot of people either don’t have clarity on what their roles in marriage should be, or they are struggling with accepting them for one reason or the other. I doubt that your peculiar circumstances ever change this rule. If this rule is nonexistent in your marriage, am afraid it would hit the rocks in no time.
And based on these roles, people develop expectations. Every difficult marriage is suffering from people’s misconception about what marriage should be. Assumptions are made about marriage based on many variables, and problems erupt when these assumptions are not met. But isn’t it unfair to expect to be treated right when you don’t act right? Don’t get me wrong now; I recognize that 2 wrongs don’t make a right and that people grow at different rates, but if everyone is focused on doing what is right, divorces would reduce. And that’s where the fear of the Lord comes in to take our focus off the inadequacies of our spouse. A deep reverence for God helps us choose to do what is right, just and fair no matter how we are being treated. Notice that this is a decision we make. To think that divorce results from one person’s weakness, shortcomings or wrong doing is a bit exaggerating! It always takes 2 to fight (selah).
I believe that the marriage union builds us up as individuals. We learn to be more tolerant, patient, loving, forgiving, etc. The truth is that most people are not ready for the demands of marriage and divorce offers a door of escape. Divorce therefore, sort of robs us of our individual growth.
Did I hear you say, Grace, you don’t know what you are talking about? Yeah right, Jesus got a similar reaction some years ago. Hear him……
“Not everyone is mature enough to live a married life. It requires a certain aptitude and grace. Marriage isn’t for everyone. Some from birth seemingly, never give marriage a thought. Others never get asked-or accepted. And some decide not to get married for kingdom reasons. But if you’re capable of growing into the largeness of marriage, do it” Matthew 19: 11-12.
“I hate divorce”, says the God of Israel. God-of-the Angel-Armies says “I hate the violent dismembering of the ‘one flesh’ of marriage”. So watch yourselves. Don’t let your guard down. Don’t cheat. Malachi 2:16
Jesus recognizes that the marriage union can be demanding; on your faith, your patience……your entire being. He is not expecting everyone to be married! (selah), but if you marry, he is not expecting you to get out of it…except in cases of sexual infidelity. But even that can be forgiven!
Jesus said “Moses provided for divorce as a concession to your hard heartedness, but it is not part of God’s original plan. I’m holding you to the original plan, and holding you liable for adultery if you divorce your faithful wife and then marry someone else. I make an exception in cases where the spouse has committed adultery”. Matthew 19: 8-9.
“…..And if you are married, stay married. This is the Master’s command, not mine…….”
1 Corinthians 7:10-11
As we read through 1 Corinthians 7, we find that Jesus is not pleased at all with divorce, no matter how legal it seems. According to Jesus, Christians are covering their selfishness, whims and pretenses under the legality of divorce. He is saying; go work on yourself! Learn to be more accommodating. Improve yourself.
Now, some people already made wrong choices based on misplaced priorities; by marrying people they shouldn’t be married to in the first place. If your life is threatened presently in your marriage, walking away may be wisdom (selah). But first seek counsel.
Healthy marriages are good for mental and physical well-being, and children who grow up in happy homes are less exposed to mental, physical, educational and social problems.
Marriage is a lot of work. The belief in a happily-ever-after marriage is a destructive marriage myth.
I passed this article to my team of editors, and one of them said, ‘Grace, this thing does not apply in turbulent marriages’. And I said to her; ‘every marriage can be as turbulent as you allow it’.
The earlier we nip trivial issues in the bud, the sooner we carry on enjoying our relationship. When we allow them to linger, they can get so complicated in no time that we even forget how it all started!
Let’s start by making a decision to stay cleaved then you’ll find faith and strength to never leave.
We see that with God, actually, divorce is not an option to staying married. God would want us to remain married except in very extreme circumstances (and I add this bit 🙂 ).
Except otherwise stated, Bible quotations are from ‘The Message’ Translation.
Almost every time an appliance or machine stops functioning optimally in my home, my husband reaches for the manual first, does some troubleshooting himself before calling in the experts.
A manufacturer’s handbook (manual), helps us set up our appliances, identify and handle simple malfunctions of our machines and ensures optimum output and efficiency, giving us good value for our money.
I have had the privilege of welcoming newly born again Christians into God’s family and I do not fail to introduce them to the Christian Manual for a successful and victorious christian living-The Bible.
You may want to consider the Bible as The Manufacturer’s Manual/Handbook for man’s living assuming that you believe in the existence of a Man-Creator or Manufacturer. If you are more inclined towards evolution or some other theory about man’s creation, then am sure you’ve found a different handbook and the discourse here may not apply to you.
So, why did God give us the Bible (His commandments/words)?
The 10 commandments came into existence to guide and direct Israel’s actions which were becoming intolerable for Jehovah at the time.
In his second letter to Timothy, apostle Paul explains the purpose of every word of God;
“All Scripture is given by inspiration of God and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness“. 2 Timothy 3:16. NKJV.
If it is not already obvious, this write-up is borne out of my curiosity on why people are often reluctant to study their Bibles.
I asked a few persons about their opinion on this and got the following responses;
i. ‘there is no time’. too many things to do with so little available time’
ii. ‘probably, people are not clear or do not completely agree with what the Bible says in some cases’
iii. ‘the bible does not give a unified straightforward stand on some issues, and people whip up different dimensions of the bible to support their own perspective on issues.
Hmmm….
Interestingly, nobody really considered or conceded to a likelihood of people thinking the standards in the Bible are too high!
I recently learnt that people generally don’t want to be told what to do. So if the Bible is for reproof, correction, instruction etc, my guess is; people love the freedom of living their lives freestyle!
But are God’s words punitive, prohibitive or protective? I think it’s all 3, with an ultimate aim to protect. I believe that God considered every possible action of man in its entirety (positive and negative outcomes), before giving out His words to guide and direct man aright.
For example, when God says ‘Do not commit adultery’, I believe this instruction goes well beyond the physical attraction and sexual satisfaction one derives through his indulgence in adultery. The end result of a singular adulterous act can mean an end to a longstanding marriage relationship, disruption in the equilibrium existing in a home, or exposure to life threatening sexually transmitted diseases (condoms tear!), and so many other unsavory results.
But you know, God does not force man to do anything. He always leaves the final decision with man but admonishes him to choose life and live. I can tell my young preteen not to spend all his time on games and TVs, because as a parent, I have the foresight of the crucial role hard work can play in determining life’s experiences. And I want the best for my child! I believe God deals with man in a similar way. But then, there is a limit to how much or how long I can control my preteen’s choices. His future experiences rests greatly on his present day choices.
Let us not be like the middle-aged highly educated diabetic man who refused to go to the hospital for professional medical care for fear of what results of hospital investigations on him would reveal. He’d rather die in his ignorance. He immediately reminds me of why the fool has deceived himself into thinking there is no God…because he is corrupt and have done abominable things! (Psalm 53:1). He is threatened by the Bible.
When an appliance or machine malfunctions, it is very unlikely that the problem is with the manual (selah).
“He is in the way of life that heedeth correction, but he that forsaketh reproof erreth” Proverbs 10:17. ASV
Have a lovely day!
It always amazes me how kids come out fully formed in their character and traits. Each of my 3 kids have something unique about them.
I have the ‘information minister/lawyer’; that wastes no time in relaying all activities that go on in the home in my absence. She is logical and detailed. She hardly misses a thing! I am hopeful that she’ll in no time translate this her logical thinking into organizing her toys at the end of play each day (Amen!). The bad news for her siblings though;….. she can’t keep a secret! She helps me discover (effortlessly) attempts at lying by her sibs! God bless my little one 🙂
And I have the highly calculative big sis that scarcely misses a 7/8pm bedtime; likely a result of her overworking her brain, if you ask me 🙂 Meeting her for the first time, you may be lured into thinking that she cannot/doesn’t talk! Naaaaa…..!!! This one does all the talking in her brain!!! She analyzes everything and is always ready to ask for explanation for every new word or concept. Her depth of thinking is obvious in the manner she breaks every snack or meal to its tiniest bit before eating!!! She is highly organized in her school work and chores. Her teacher gives me the feedback, that my ‘Ada’ practically runs her class….. I pray she continues bringing the ‘A’ grade home.
Then there’s the master of the house, my big boy, who would not want to hurt an ant, but is slowly and sadly discovering that; it is almost inevitable to hurt people no matter how much you believe you love them!! At his age, his desires (to watch TV, skip his exercises, etc) seem to be his greatest challenge at making sure he doesn’t hurt Mum or Dad. Thanks to the rod which helps us align him properly….. He has maintained the class lead position in almost all his classes and I believe its connected to his endearing nature. You can’t meet him and not like him….
To each of the servants in the Parable of the Talents (Matthew 25:14-30), Jesus tells us that the master gave talent (s) depending on their capacity or ability. This tells me that even though the master knew beforehand that the servant who received the least talent (one talent) may likely not put it to a good or profitable use, the master still gave him a talent! So EVERYONE got a talent (s)…..
But more interestingly, we find, as we read that Bible verse over and over again, that each talent was pregnant with several other talents that were only birthed or discovered as the single obvious one was put to use!!! (Selah).
Is it possible that the guy who received only one talent may actually have received a tsunami of hidden talents and not know it? It seemed his master loved him the least by publicly giving him only one talent…… Could he have been wrong? I really want to think so considering how upset his master was at his return.
So, the question I want to ask you today is; what is your given talent? (obvious or hidden). Have you buried it because it seemed useless and insignificant?
The Master (Jesus Christ) knows us just as we are. He knows our ability and capacity.
He and The Father, gave EVERYONE talent (s).
Have you found yours? If not,
Ask the Holy Spirit to help you discover your talent.
And please put them (it) to use as soon as possible.
You will realize in no time that each talent is pregnant with so many more talents, and every unused talent is a waste of so many others.
Praise God!!
